Okay, now we're just picking unnecessary fights.

Halloween was a complete dud. There were no trick-or-treaters and I didn't have time to find a costume. :( Chris & I passed out candy and just hung out around the house.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm putting too much into this relationship then I need to. It's just times like this where he feels "tired and uninspired" and I just feel bad. When really.. I don't know why I should feel bad. I just do. It sickens me how I'm so hard about myself.. How I hate that I am a perfectionist at heart, when really I have done no mistake within itself. I'm beginning to get afraid that I'm overdoing it.. That I'm trying too hard to be hot or sexy or whatever shit that I just need to stop, and be natural. Get the clump of makeup off your face. Save the sleeziness for next year's halloween costume. It's time to get real. Time to go back in the past and relive those good days.

It's time.

Value of Words

It is tonight where I've realized the true importance of words and their affect on you. How when a guy calls you "sexy", it's not that same as "pretty". How when a guy tells you how they wanna f*ck you, it's not the same as being the most beautiful girl they've ever laid their eyes on.

... What are meaningful words I love?

Pretty - I like being called this.. for the reason that I know I'm charming and cute. Not "hey, I'm a slut let's go bang with my mini on" pretty.. but genuinely, naturally pretty.

Cute - This word goes with charm and innocence, like that girl good that makes a boy turn around and say... "Dang."

Stunning&Gorgeous - These words just make a girl feel good. No matter who says it. Be it boy or girl, grandma or grandpa. When these words are said, you get that feeling in your heart where you are beautiful.


And my favorite...

Beautiful - A word that should not be used for granted because it means all of the words I listed before. For it means not only the beauty of a girl's physical appearance, but most importantly.. the true beauty of inner self. To be honest, anyone who says I'm beautiful can easily make my day, my week. It gives me a major boost of confidence.. To know that I'm gorgeous, stunning, cute, and pretty.

It's these words that make a girl feel like she's on top of the world.

I've gotta stay strong.

Gotta wave my hands in the air and touch the sky, and never let myself get down just cause I'm impatient. Cause I've got everything I want in my life right now, everything I need.. I won't allow doubt, fear... "little deaths" as they call it in religion get to me. Because overcoming it and conquering it will make me a stronger person.

Today, my mom & I were talking about life as always.. Of course, she goes too far many times, and as many times I ask her to stop so my temper won't rise, she lectures me anyways. Yesterday, when she saw me crying, she cried too. And it just made me think:

My mother is amazing.

She is a strong woman, after seeing me get hurt so many times.. she's still here. To be my mother.. to always be there for me when I'm hurt and I just need someone to hug. I admit that I am going through a teen angst stage and am often having fights with my mom. I wish I could tell her a way how I love her without getting emotional. Yeah, I seem to be more emotional these days. Don't know why. Oh well, her birthday is this friday.. meaning homecoming game.. meaning I have to figure out something!

Acceptance

Yesterday towards the end of the day, I've felt the saddest I've been in the longest time. Chris and I had an argument.. again, about stupid things. But this time.. I'm sick of this guilt I feel every week. Sick of the constant flow of tears coming out from my eyes every week because a boy pushing my self-control. I hate how I feel like I'm the cause of every problem within us. I hate feeling like I'm just doing too much. And maybe that's what I'm doing. Maybe I'm so used to everyone needing my help... needing my opinions and point of view that it's time I just let it go in God's hands.

Maybe I'm like your mother who all she does is seem to scold you. Maybe I'm just another cause of stress in your life when I honestly don't mean to be. Maybe I need to cool it down a little, settle my temper, and just forget everything. Maybe I just try... too hard to a point where it's not like that with life anymore - let everyone make their decisions, and all I need to do is support.

The thing with the last statement is that I'm scared. Scared of all the decisions people make because I know that sometimes the actions people make are stupid, and I just want to put it in their heads that some other way can be better.

But I've got to learn.. These words.

The acceptance of mistakes.
Because as much as I live a perfect life, I'm gonna make some... and learn from them. And other people will too. Just live... and let God do the rest.

I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

Unaware

Wow, I haven't blogged in a while. But now, I have something to talk about.

I never really realized something too good to be true can actually... be true, until now. It was yesterday where I've experienced an eye-opening event. I've gotten into my first jealousy rage, and as much as I try to avoid the doubts; avoid the hate.. This week it's just been flashing back at me. It's like my conscience is telling ME that I'm not pretty... not able to handle anything that has been thrown at me. Sometimes, I feel so frustrated when my mom tells me that I have to get As in this, act like this towards my boyfriend, who to make friends with... All of that just rises my temper and I hate it. This week, I felt the "most down" I've been in a long time because I knew it was coming again. That fucking feeling in your gut.

Doubt.

Because it was those days where if anyone messed with me... I went ballistic because I plainly wasn't in the mood. Honest to goodness, my temper is horrible. And so yesterday, I got in a fight on how I was just sick of girls. Sick of the drama they cause. Sick of everything.
Yeah, I was pretty moody.
But really, I just want peace. I think it gets to me when people flirt with my boyfriend or have friends that call him cute. But I think this time it really got to me. But in the end, all is resolved. Not necessarily a happy ending, but one that isn't full of hatred... at least I hope.

I've found someone that loves me. Through the thick and thin.
Don't get me wrong.. It's still hard to believe.

Because each day.. He amazes me once again.
And makes me smile.. Once again.

sometimes..

i wish technology didn't have such an impact on our lives...

maybe we'd finally realize how much we have to be thankful for.

today was a happy 6 months :)

the end.

My Dad.

My dad is the most amazing guy in the world. It wasn't until today that I've noticed the close relationship me & him. That today.. when "Daughters" by John Mayer and this other song about growing up and not being daddy's little girl anymore when turning "16"... I literally started to tear up. I can't believe I'm in high school already, and I'm about to go to college in less than 5 years. My dad means so much to me. I remember from day one.. I could, and still can talk to my dad about anything because he is truly the most understanding person I have ever known. I remember our weekend trips to Nen-Nen's house, our weekend trips to Stater Bros. that we still do, how he used to dress me in the morning before I went to school when I was in Kinder & 1st grade.. and finally he said in 2nd grade I was big enough to change on my own. I remember in pre-school I would never want to leave his side in the mornings. And after all these years.. K-9th grade.. he still checks my math homework. (: My dad always makes the impossible, possible in some way. Whenever he is sick or not feeling well, we don't even notice. My dad is the NICEST person in the world. Nicest and the most understanding. He sees the good in everyone, and it gets on my nerves sometimes.. because I don't get how someone can be so patient. He treats my mom like the queen of the world.. and man, I don't know how any guy can match up to my dad. He is simply amazing.. and there is nothing in this world that will keep me from being a daddy's girl. He is my hero, my advisor, the person I look up to. 

I love my dad.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

well today was a one hella chill day.

1. woke up at 7 am to get ready for piano so early ! lol.

2. went to piano

3. ate breakfast at chick-fil-a with chris & dad

4. homework with chris.. well, kinda ;) he was such a distraction !

5. american apparel with chris - we got matching green zipper vests. they're really cute :)

6. brought chris home, then mass.

7. dinner at max's with parents & chris

8. nick and norah's infinite playlist with chris - that was the cutest thing i've seen in a while. the storyline was SOOO true and cute, you couldn't help but going "awww." definitely recommended! :) i'm trying to find quotes from the movie online, but no one has any. aww.

until tomorrow. which is studying studying and studying. lame... :)

october fober nober

ugh, i fucking hate algebra right now. i really need to concentrate on it. i get all of it, but i get so lazy sometimes.. and i really need to stop! lol. well, a lot has been happening.. and i'm looking forward to OCTOBERR ! damn, is 2008 almost over? haha. well here's the overview of october:

1. buttload of piano-playing at masses

2. chilling out on the weekends with chris / friends

3. damien games w/ the lucy girls :)

4. OCTOBER 13th <33333>

5. maybe the CHOC walk at disneyland

5. homecoming at most likely damien. or maybe amat.

6. knotts scary farm? hahahah.. i don't think so chris ;) just kidding. maybe i'll go.

7. halloween !

what haven't i been doing lately? music. gotta get a move on thatt...

i got the new jack's mannequin cd.. haven't really listened to it yet.. but i can't wait ! i hope i love it.

lates.