To: God

The tears are falling and
my signs of weakness of showing.
In times like this, I need your inner strength within me.
Patience & serenity please grant me.

I really can't handle this on my own.
I need you, God.

Delete that blog. Tell me all your doubts of us right now are lies. Tell me that you don't believe that you're losing hope.
Why do you think like this? It's like we are switching places. I give my best for you. The only exception was last week in which I had 3 dress rehearsals, confirmation, and other things to go to. You know I will always be there for you. You're not out of my life.. We both have separate lives and duties we must live, but together baby.. Together we have one life, and it will always be there with you and me no matter where WE GO.

I feel like punching a pillow. I'm so frustrated at the sadness and disappointment I cause you; my busy schedule; my cluelessness; me trying to CHANGE my bad habits for US.
I've been doing so well with my promise to myself.. So well. I haven't been insecure; I haven't doubted you; I've put all my trust in you since this promise. So why.. Like you said when you came back from the retreat.. Why can't you be grateful? Appreciate US? Appreciate this love God has blessed both of us with?

Some people don't even have the chance to love as much as us. And we're only young. Starting out when we were 13 and 15, and now we're 14 and 16. Do you think I want to LOSE and just throw all that we've been through AWAY?

I'm not waiting till summer. I want you. You're everything I've wanted, hoped for, dreamed for, read cheesy fairy tales for, and hopefully these words mean something to your heart. I don't know how to convince you.. but you have inspired me to be a better person.. More than I was. I am better because of YOU. Please don't give up hope... that's not the Chris I fell in love with. Please stay strong with me.

Please.

I love you.

1315, always & forever.

A New Mission

started today.
Internship at Kaiser starts on Saturdays in April
Capsules & Creams mission started todayeee ! We'll call it C&C Mission and see how it goes.

Cluelessness

Simply a state of mind, a sidetrack of being dumb & curious, a feeling that describes my current emotion within me.
Whenever we are like this, I'm clueless to what's happening: the cause of our actions, the meaning behind it all, the "what-ifs", the assumptions.. everything.
And yet when it all comes out in the end, I end up saying sorry because I want it over with.. But, I don't know what I'm saying sorry for. I just want these feelings to end, for things to be back to normal. But, deep inside my mind I know it's not right because I don't know what I'm saying.. I don't know what I did to say "sorry".

& so goes on the feeling of being clueless..

When will it end?

Returning

Coming back into my life again. But, seriously at this time ? I've had enough of you.. and I really just need you out. So stressful to handle with you again, and probably cause I'm stressing I'm gonna cause some more. -_- It's okay, hopefully the doctor can do miracles. You're gonna get vanquished this time, baby. I want you out of my life, for GOOD.

Viva La ROJA !

Today was the Freshmen Retreat. It was.. pretty good; I'm not gonna lie. I had fun :) Jamie is hilarious and Laura is freaking crazy, haha. Seniors would give us talks about the future.. and somehow it helped and it gave me a little more information than I knew. At the end of the retreat, we got these letters that we wrote to ourselves at the beginning of the year. Oh man, I'm a cutie ;) Haha. A lot of those things in the letter made me laugh a little :).

I'm wondering how you'll deal with this week. 'Cos the past times I haven't been able to see you during the week have not turned out as well as I hoped. Either I burst, or you burst.. but ever since I've had this promise to myself, controlling my thoughts sort've comes naturally to me now. I do have some qualms once in a while about when we're not together, but they go away quicker than before. How will you handle it? I'm hoping you'll understand this unusually busy schedule of this week + Saturday. Keep strong for both of us, and know that you are always somehow in my mind. I love you.

Passion of The Christ

Now telll me, why did I not see this when it first came out in '03? We watched it today in confirmation and I'm just saying.. this is probably the best movie I have ever seen. No lie; the acting was so realistic, that I bet you I can watch it a million times and still be affected by the scenes of it.
This really made the Passion of Christ realistic to me. "He died for our sins" is simply too cliche for me nowadays. It's something said over and over, but do you really get the meaning out of it? I think I barely got the meaning right now; I have a feeling that throughout my life, I will slowly realize how "dying for our sins" really will affect me. Certain scenes/thangs that affected me?

1. 'Mos def.. when Mary sees him on this second fall. Definitely the one that got tears to my eyes. The love between a mother and her child is really just so.. powerful. Ahh, man..
2. Next would definitely when Satan would be within the crowds while Jesus was suffering. It really gave the message clear, how throughout the whole time Jesus was suffering, Satan was telling him how it was useless.. but look in the end, looooook who reigns ! Yeeeup, my homeboy Jesus right heree !
3. Pontius Pilate & his wife
4. The two criminals on both sides of Jesus
5. Peter, his apostle
6. Judas after he tells the Romans about Jesus

Oh, and Mary Magdalene was reallly pretty ! Lol.
Well, whatta night. It really got to me. I haven't been this happy or inspired in a long time. I hope this feeling will stay with me. I feel like I've really discovered more.. felt more.. I felt something be with me during this movie. It's probably affected lots of youus that also saw the movie, but I've gotta say.. I'm just another one inspired and deepened. <3

It'll Take Time - The Weekend Summary

Expectance of this weekend: Fun, maybes a reunion seeing old faces, L2 bonding time.
Turnout: Disappointment with a little fun.

Friday was the start of all this drama, and I think it's resolved..

But, Saturday turns worse.. The texts were driving me crazy, but Nicole's party was HELLA fun. Like.. I don't even know how to describe it. Firstoff, Nicole in the jumper = OMFG, HILARIOUS! Hahahahah.. I'm cracking up just thinking about it. Hahaha, and then Valeria and Megan on Rockband, omg.. that was FUNNY. Lol, and I won $20 in iTunes. Yepyep, that was fun even if I didn't stay the whole time. I left around 530.
So, I go to Barkada, and... my mood goes from 10 to 1. I wanted to make things better, but it just seemed he didn't want to be near me. He was having fun without me it seemed. No eating together, sitting together.. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I just needed to know.. Can you really just tell me what I did? 'Cos I really was clueless and I was dying inside. Ugh, it was just -_- on me because while I was watching the show I would get tears in my eyes.. 'cos I really hate when we're like this. :( The end of that night.

Sunday, we make up. And right now, we're okay. I know about my promise: to stop my temper, to stop insecurity, to trust, and to be patient. I know we're okay right now.. trying to forget. But will forgetting really help me? Will I ever really release that curiousity inside of me about this situation? I think eventually I will. But, right now.. it's still in me. It'll take time.. I know it. It's just another situation of my promise to myself.

Busy week ahead of me:
Monday: Confirmation
Tuesday: Freshman Retreat & Dress Rehearsal at St. Chris
Wednesday: DJ PIZZA LUNCH (:
Thursday: Dress Rehearsal at St. Chris
Friday: Concert at St. Chris
Saturday: Marielle & Taylor's party

Oh man.

"Smooth Recovery" Reality Check #4?

Two smooooth recoveries before I ruin my promise to myself. It was crazy how I'm so easily quick-tempered when someone challenges me. These reality checks really give me the hardd life, baby.. but I'm learning slowly, but surely. Anyways, yeah.. I was really sorta bothered when we were texting that I started those "moody" sorta texts, yaaaknow ? Like the ones without the smilies, "haha", "lol".. etc etc. But, Holy Spirit is here and tells me to stop, so I calm it down & walllahhh, it's good.

I went to dinner at Red Lobster with my parentals. It was reeeaaally satisfying for a Friday in Lent, hah. It was to celebrate my first paycheck ($200). Now ya sayinn, "Bernie has a job ?". Haha. Yess, yess I do :) I play piano for St. Chris on Sundays, so come visit me sometime!

& After Red Lobster, I went to Puente Hills to get some makeup thangs and then went to Chris's house to chill. And yeeettt, the devil on my shoulder pops up once again.. And I was so gonna lash out and blame and be as stubborn as haaaill, but Holy Spirit comes and saves me again :) I realized that I really just needa think before I say things and lose my temper. Woooh, it was an okay night.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be better though.. or later tonight, I should say, haha.
Breakfast at Denny's?
Nicole's Birthday Party
& Barkada Show @ Bishop Amat

It sorta makes me laugh

how some girls just post the hoe-iest photos on myspace.
Uhhh, you're cool.

Cmon laydeees, get some class.

Reality Check #3 & More

I find myself naturally freeing myself from the gates and chains that I've been on the last 5 months. I can find myself being more free and thinking straight nowadays. I love it. Sometimes, I slip up once or twice a day, but I quickly recover. My insecurity is going away, but I find myself never taking my mind off it; I can't be too easygoing. I know my limits now.. And I guess being true and honest to yourself really makes you see the flaws within you and at times like these, I want to change my old habits.
But despite these ever-so-often reality checks I have, still remember I love you. And that patience is something that is oh-so-hard to achieve for both us. Please know that no matter the distance; no matter the fights.. We can get through this lil thang called love. I know we're young and I know there are many limitations that bug that hell outta us, 'cos we can't do what we want.. But I think that's what makes us stronger right now. I will and have loved you with all my heart ever since I've been with you, and although it has wavered many times because of tough times we go through together.. My love will always be there. I know we're going through tough times; esp. with me trying to change these bad, insecure habits of mine. But know that I will stay strong; that I committed to the promise I've made myself.. That I will never act like that toward you again. That I love you, and I'm doing this for you.

Oh beezy, too many thangs going on this weekend! Life is really catching up on me this week -_-;. Sophomore year is coming up, quarter is ending this Friday (meaning a buttload of last-minute tests!), and summer is looking to be very busy this year (which is good/badish ?).

Yearbook or AP Euro ? That is the question. Yearbook sounds hella fun, especially since Mr. B is the advisor. The yearbook almost always wins lotsa awards.. So will that look good for college ? I'm really good with photos and layouts too. Adobe Photoshop and one of my favs, PhotoFiltre is perfect. I consider myself a decent photographer; Hah, if only I was one of the asians with the Nikon cameras. AP Euro.. well first of all, don't I sound hella smart if I take AP Euro? Haha. I think this would look better on college applications. I'm really leaning toward AP Euro, but I don't know.. I'm still undecided.

Quarter ending this Friday and all these gddamn teachers pile their tests ! Lol. Algebra test was today, Spanish & Religion tomorrow, World History and Vocab on Friday.. Eh, and a hella lotta stuff to do. PE Project on cultural studies.. Uh, wtf ? Is PE like a history class now ? Whatever happened to badminton, my new found love ? Haha. Oh, I also applied for the LAMDA exams. It's this thang where a British examiner comes to our school during a weekend in May and it's based on public speaking / acting. I think I'll be doing the category "Spoken English". It's sorta expensive, but hey.. I really want a gold medal by Senior year! (:

Ohmgosh, I cannot wait till Summer. But, I have so many plans I wanna do ! My history teacher nominated me for this National Young Leadership thang in D.C. that I really want to go to, but it's hella expensive.. and I'm just unsure about it. I think my parents and I are going to NYC too. I wanted to do hip-hop dance or basketball too, and not to mention.. hang with babe & friends, hit up beaches, and chill nonstop. 'N my mom wants to me do get classes for PSAT ? Uh, BS ! I love love love summer.. But plans are so undecided right now.

The weekend ? Sounds like fun.
Friday: Boomers with Mary and HOPEFULLY Alec
Saturday: Nicole's Bday Party & Barkada Show (hopefully L2 BCEI J3 will come?)
Sunday: Maybe chill with Taylor ?, Lunch with Babe, & Lifeteen

Lates.

Reality Check #2

Oh mamacitaaas, this week is gonna go by slow school-wise.. I could just feel it -_-. Oh wells, the quarter ends Friday (half-day!).. and all of the teachers are cramming their tests ! Eh, I really hope I do well. Anyways, here's my reality check #dos :

It's already been a week and I've improved. I need to keep my cool, though, just like I did before. Don't get too over-excited. I needa calm down and think things through. I can't afford another tension between the two of us. My patience level has been going up lately. These doubts aren't coming into my head as often, too. Maybe this reality check thang is really working. Things are goin well. I've been slipping a little today, though. I've been moody.. especially with my mom, but just as I realized that.. I stopped. Screw puberty ! Lol. -_-; Anywhos, looks like this past week has been fine and now onto another week. I've noticed that we don't spend as much time together.. But, to be quite honest, we spent a lot of time together on weekends. I miss it, and I think that's the plus side on not seeing your love in a while.. the excitement of seeing them builds up. <3 Anyways, I hope all will be well. I'm praying for strength and patience these days. I'm not gonna be a "Juliet" - rushing without thought, too over-excited, not that "hard-to-get". I'm gonna make myself deal with the aspect of time patiently.. 'Cos it's not always about trying to do a lot of thangs at once, but rather.. enjoying life and stopping to smell them roses ( right Angelo? (: )

Fuh, my blogs don't make sense.
Oh wells !

11, Already Baby?

Today was whatchu call a good day (: Reasons why?

1. Half-day: Thank you Seniors & Kairos!
2. Presentation did well (: At least it's over with !
3. Gotta see my ECC fam again <3
4. 11 Months - Dennys, Cue!, Hardcore Arcade Bball

Holy jaysus I'm tired as hailll. Haha. But today was the last day of our half-day week :( My history presentation did well.. Well, I hope I did. I think I went a little over the time limit, but at least I made Indira Gandhi seem interesting haha.

So after-school, totally lazy day status. <3 That'll probably be the same tomorrow until the night when I'll be celebrating Nen's birthday ! Happy birthday Nen-Nen<333 My grandma is awesome. And my dad's side of the family.. is a miracle. No lengthy explanations are going to be said, but let's just say that my family is blessed by God.

I gotta see my ECC fambam after.. ever (thanks to my busy high-school life.. dayum I'm cool, Haha !). Whoo, I gotta say I missed them lots. I really felt guilty that I haven't been attending practices and I didn't get to play for the last mass, but it's okay. It was all made up today (: Although.. I do have to get Paulina a hella late birthday present ! Note to self. Lol. Hopefully, I'll make more time for them on Fridays.

Soo.. 11 months already, baby ? Shooot, I can't believe next month is our anniversary. Oh my. What will we do? I wanna do something real big (: But we'll see, lol. Well tonight was quite a new adventure. We went to Denny's by Nogales.. Yummy stuff (: It was sorta new.. I noticed we always eat at oriental food places! Lol. Then I asked my dad if he could drive us to Cue! in the Yes Plaza. We took one set of pictures and they came out pretty cute (: Then we had leftover money, so we went to the arcade next door that had nothing but these basketball machines.. and holy shizzz, we went crazy ! It gets you so sore.. at the end I literally felt tipssssyyy ! Lol, jk. So we went nearby and go some Thai Iced Tea, and all was better after that (:

Good day.
Happy birthday Grandma <3

God, give me strength.

Reality Check #1

So, today I realized the effects of gddamn DayLight Savings -__- So mofackin sleepy in the morning. It's like getting up at 4:30. Why is Lucys so freakin far ?! It's like.. night when we pick up Marielle from her house, haha.

Anyways, this weekend.. I just realized I gotta stop. I gotta stop doing this to myself. I gotta stop thinking, doubting, being like this. I can't be like my mom at times.. I can't have this uncontrolled temper. I need to stop and think what the hail I'm doing, cause it can really fxck stuff up. With this Lenten season goin on, "a new beginning" is starting for me. All thoughts, all doubts.. away. Everything from the last five months.. I'm officially done with. I know it'll be hard for me, because last time I promised myself this, there was always that feeling deep down inside that just doubted myself. And there's the other thing, I must admit my faults - I was insecure. And how.. do I go on giving advice to people, to help them straight up.. when I don't even listen to my own advice and I do the contrary? I know sometimes it's not a sin to want more, but as of right now.. I realized that I'm taking this measure too far. I need to calm down. And remember that most people don't have the fabulous life I have right now.. And that's why I needa be thankful. I really wish that sometimes the truth would just emerge, and I wouldn't have to stop thinking & guessing.. because my assumptions just aren't always the optimistic sometimes. But from now on, I'm done. Done with my past thoughts. Past doubts. I need to stop before it goes out of control. I need to remember that love that bloomed, and not ruin. Not suck the nectar out of that beautiful flower of love because.. then the life of the flower can stay. I wanna make this work. And I'm convinced that sweepin my flaws away will make it better. This is Reality Check #1.. and as of now, I'll be posting these from time to time.

Oh, and I got our Sadies pictures today. They look real cutes (:

God, give me strength <3

Sinking

I feel brought down.
I feel sad.
I feel under the influence of other people's opinions.
I feel like I lead myself into these things.
I feel like my optimism is falling shorter and shorter every time.
I feel like I need to stop thinking.
I feel like I want our puppy love again.
I feel like I want attention; a simple.. Look in the eyes for more than just one second.
I feel like I want to be the one you fought to search through the crowd just to look for just like last year.
I feel like at times like this, I need someone to lean on.
I feel like I'm sinking gradually..

Sinking.. into unknown thoughts and never coming up for air.

Gday, maaaate

“I don't know why women want any of the things men have when one the things that women have is men.” -Coco Chanel

Ahh, hello blog & readers [: Today was a good day.. but in a since, it's not gonna be a good day because I won't be seeing my babe for the weekend. Oh wells... I hope I did well on my math & spanish today. Screw W.H. ! Lol. Fuhreakin Nicole -_-; Lol. Well, today was actually fun though.. Gay, I know.. but school has really built some reaaal sturdy friendships; ASB & BENMMMM. Mmmm, love them.

I've been having some doubts rise within me. I miss the old days with us.. ]: I sort've yearn for more.. attention and affection. Gddamn, do I sound gay? I'm sorry.. But, I really missed when he would give me those lil notes & have us all over his myspace. Those lil thanngsss I miss. Buying me lil thangs when we go to the mall.. Looking at me, I ask "What?", and you just shake your head and smile and saying "Nothing.." =] (aw, that was my fave..).. Leaving me voicemails in the middle of the night.. It's sort've hard to believe that we've been together for almost a year.. and no doubt do I love him. I'm just not ready to get used to. I still wanna be that lady that will blow him away at the sight of me. Gddamn, I sound corny. I'm loveeesick, babes. Luvv Sic.

So, I was talking to Alec tonight on the phone and dayum, do I miss him! Still the same ol person as always [: BAM day, March 21st ! Hopefully, hopefully.. I pray.

This weekend will be interestinggg. At last minute I didn't want to go on the retreat because I'm just.. not in the mood for it. I think I need time to myself for a weekend. A time for old friends, good lovin bonding, and family time <333 I plan to be real productive this weekend.. working out my legs for summer, baby ! Haha.. Working hard for all of them tests on Monday.. & trying my best to keep up with the world.

Prayers are requested for Mrs. Charles.. it's absolutely awful & tragic what happened to her son and her daughter-in-law. Much much MUCH love.

Lazy Day Blogs

So, right now.. I would've been at the Matt Maher concert at St. John's but my mommy doesn't wanna drive me :( Boooooo.. Nicole is texting me gay texts.. Wish I was there !

Do any of you live by this ?

"It ain't healthy for me to judge you by flaws and that's why I know I could criticize, but I put that aside to focus on you and I."

I know that with many relationships, friendships and even sometimes with my boyfriend there will always be those tiny annoyances and bothersome qualities that irk me. But.. I don't know what it is about the close people in my life and how I just look past those thangs and love them with all my love.

I feel that sometimes once first impressions are done.. flaws are the things were are always seem to notice. If you judge someone before you meet them.. just how many physical flaws would you come up with ? And once you get to know someone.. how many inner flaws would you come up with ? The people we're close with seem to be flawless.. like they are the people you were made to be with all your life because they just have that instant "connection". Deep down inside, though, we know they have those flaws. What makes us look past them ? But what about those we hate ? Why can't we give that chance to those who have done something to anger, piss us off ? Is that quote "Deep down inside there's good in everyone?" true? Why is it that we can get in a fight with those closest to us and forget about it in days, hours, seconds ?

Why would flaws be unattractive when absolutely everyone has some ?

Lookin Up Again,

Yeahh, my sky's clouds are starting to go away slowly and the sun is peeking out. I don't know what happened this past week.. I really would like to know; maybe even get an apology because I don't know what the haiill happened. But, I apologized on my part.. and I guess that's how it goes during relationships, a process of give and take. Somehow, though, I can feel myself getting stronger and somewhat.. more controlled than I was before when arguing. Sounds like I'm maturing.. aww ! Haha.

Friday was one hell of an adventure. That's all I'm gonna say ;)

Today was pretty laid-back. Wow, next week is a retreat ! Can't wait :]]

A NEW BEGINNING.