Is it really time for goodbye, 2008?

I wrote a bulletin about 2008 on myspace.. but I think I'll just sum it up here.

2008 was fucking life-changing. From my grandpa's death; to April 13, 2008; to graduation; to the Philippines; to starting high school; to Fall Retreat; to today.. There were so many things that I have discovered this year.. but I think 2008 revealed two things to me: one is love. All kinds of it: unconditional love, true love, tough love, family love, friend love, my love. The other is the ability to be open to new things and new experiences. Everything this year was new, and I was able to face it.. to say "Hey, yknow what.. I'm tired of routine.. of taking the safe route, so I'll try something new".

Love.. love. Family love in the January & February.. with my beloved Papa bidding his farewell to go with God. I still think of him everyday.. love him everyday.. and pray for him everyday.. He brought our family closer, and because of him.. our family would not be here today. I truly do miss him.. and I can't believe it's almost a year. I love you, Papa.
April 13, 2008 I experienced puppy love. Heehee [: But, that grew into.. crushing, and finally.. I can say I do love him after so far 8 months. With Chris, I've experienced the happiest of times.. and I've also experienced the toughest of times, the true tough side of love.. but he makes me the happiest girl. I've never.. felt this kinda love, and I'm glad to say that he's mine. That I still wear my "C" necklace frequently and his ring sometimes. ♥ He's who my heart was fallen for.. I hope 2009 will bring us closer together. I loveeee you, babe.

New experiences.. Papa's death, GRADAUATION <3, trip to the Philippines, starting high school at St. Lucy's..

Thanks to everyone in my life.
But special thanks.. to my #1 - GOD.
He's given me more than I've asked for.. more than I need.

I loved you 2008, but it's time for our goodbye.
HAAAAAY 2009 [:

I was on the verge of giving up. But.. this surge of forgiveness came over me. That through all the shit I've been through the last past 2 days.. I can still forgive. I think that's strong of me. I'm hoping that the love that was lost these days.. will somehow find it's light. To those reading this and have heard my small drama, I know you all have certain thoughts in your head. We all have different opinions. So think what you think. Do what you want to do.

But, I handled this situation with as much calmness and patience I could.
It just shows that I can handle life's pressures.
So what if there is one person in the world that hates me?
Didn't want it to end this way.. but not every story has some happy ending.
I've affected her life; but she hasn't affected mine.
She's the past.
And all I'm looking to is the present & future.

Just tell me how you feel.
Open up to me.
Let me understand you.
I won't talk, I promise.
All I will do is listen.

Just tell me how you feel.
Open up to me.
I won't talk, I promise.
All I will do is listen.

I was bothered, so I asked you to help.
That.. this shouldn't have even come up.
Because you just don't understand.
Just do the math.. it's right in front of you.
The obvious... just understand me.

That really I did nothing.
That I just told him I was bothered.

All I want is your understanding.
But if you don't see it my way.. then we're never gonna get over this.

Say you're not taking sides..
When you just don't see it from my point of view.
That I will just wait.. until something happens.

An unjust argument.
That just shouldn't have even sparked in the first place.

__________________________________

She can't even answer my simple question.
If she answered, maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Even her best friend.. I think her best friend even gets my point of view.
Oh well. Thanks for writing a blog about me.
I could say so much. Talk so much. Cuss so much at you.
But, it wouldn't help.. just make things worse.

__________________________________

Jarren Jarren Jarren.. thank you for being there.

CIVIL WAR

Today is the day I've started a civil war within myself. To go from an attention-seeking girl to an independent, strong woman. I've made the promise to do this so many times.. that I think it's finally right to say that I'm gonna do this. I know that within this change and revolution of myself there will be many battles.. between myself, others, parents, loved ones.. but my determination is only this: success. I know there will be rewarding battles... in which my hope conquers my hears; but on the contrary, I know there will be battles that will overcome me.. and hopefully I have people to depend on to help me during these tough times.

I want to be able to fully trust someone.
I want to be able to lean on someone as they lean on me.
I want to be able to open up my heart to those selected few.
I want.. Real 'mofackin love.

That's why those fucking pictures.. those damn texts. They are my past. I'm done with that shit.. because that is the old me. The one that closed her heart and only thought of one thing: jealousy. How stupid of me.

But to those who have caused me that grief.. all the tears, the shouts, the cuss-outs, my worry lines, my stress acne.. every damn thing that has caused me to think that life isn't worth living... THANK YOU. And why thank you? Because you have all shaped me into this girl who wants to be something more than just the social standard.. more than just the social statistic of an asian girl.. more than just the damn looks.. something that is WORTH IT.. worth a guys time.. worth living.. worth changing the world instead of fucking sitting here. Because I will never ever want to be like you.. One who causes problems, can't control themselves, don't even have a fucking life but just hang out and do nothing. Because I'm better.. God has given me talents and I'm gonna do His will and share them. I'm not gonna be included when people compare things to the "typical teenager" because I'm anything but that phrase.

I'm Bernadette Lim.
I've got dreams that soar.
Expectations for myself that are limitless.
And from now on.. NOTHING will stop me.

Is it just me.. or is everything changing gradually right before my eyes? I feel like I'm stuck in the past.. that I'm still doing the same old thing while people are out there.. doing better things and I'm missing out on it. I feel like people are moving on.. and I'm stopping to smell the roses a little longer than expected. It's just so weird.. because my weekends & fridays used to be preoccupied so often by hanging out with people.. that I wouldn't have time for practices. But now.. I feel like I don't have anything on my schedule anymore. 50% Filipino I am.. but I hatteee Filipino time. I feel as if sometimes I'm sitting and studying.. when I could be doing something more social. I'm still the social me.. trying to get to know everyone... saying hellos.. making people laugh.. but why do I feel as if a part of me is just.. empty and missing out on something?
Those 24/7 days in June with Chris before the Philippines.. Movies on the weekends.. St. Chris '08 hangouts.. kinda miss those things now that I'm in high school.
I kinda have a lump in my throat just thinking about it.

What do I do, God?

Shoutouts !

Finals weeeek is next week and.. I'm kind of scared. Well, I'm nervous for English. Bencomo said he's doing our final this Friday on TKAM and it's worth 40% of our grade.. holy Jesus. I think finals are flippin stupid, but aye, I just pray I do well. [:
I've been at ease these couple of days. And being at ease means not that much thinking and putting myself in other people's shoes. So.. I have a few anonymous shoutouts I wanna make to some people.

1) Oh.. my goodness. I don't know how I could survive school without you. I know I steal your money (but you steal mine too!) and we buy each other snacks esp the Quaker Cheese Stuff from the vending machine. I love having you in 4/6 of my classes. And as much as I make fun of you, know that I really appreciate you being there just to talk to. 'Cos I know you understand things from my point of view.. and I admire it !

2) CAN YOU SPELL THAT? Hahaha. Oh, man. School without you is like.. what's the point? Yaknowyaknow. Haha. COCKasians & the asians.. our handshakes.. locker buddies forever in high school.. I swear.. I don't get how we don't get in trouble in algebra & spanish - we talk so damn much ! Haha. Well, I love how you cheer up my day.. even when I was feeling blue that one day.. I gotta admit, it's hard to cheer me up.. and you did ! So i love you even if I don't text back to you. Haha. (:

3) You.. I've realized that you are the person I can count on for just about anything. I thought we would be distanced.. because that's how I felt in the past. But now.. I've gotta admit that everything is great. I mean our inside jokes are still there, our old friendship still there, the sharing of our personal lives.. and really you are my BFFAE at heart. I'm glad we didn't distance.. that I allowed myself to open to you again.. because I realized that I can truly trust you.

4) Just stop acting like you know everything.

5) I've been thinking about you, specifically you.. occasionally. I found out some things that brought me down a little (they weren't bad or unacceptable.. just kinda got me a lil uncomfortable).. Not from other people.. just my own personal discovery. I didn't know what to think.. I thought that we were distancing and just losing each other within society and the world.. because it's moving too fast. And I thought.. I was going to lose you. And I thought.. and I thought.. After much contemplation, I've realized that this.. time. What we're experiencing right now.. it is truly a change.. a transition into a new phase of us. A phase that doesn't require such attention, but just the knowing that you'll always be there when you're done with the day.. That you'll be my good morning, my good night, my daily hello. A phase that requires trust, positivity, and hella true love.

6) I wish I could get closer to you.. but I don't know how! You seem so easy to talk to; so friendly with everyone.. Kinda just like me. And yeah, we're good friends, but for some reason.. you're nice to talk to.. but our conversations seem so ingenuine. Like.. it's funny, but the laughs aren't real.. but implemented there automatically. It's so easy to appeal to others.. in fact everyone somehow things I'm funny?! (no conceited, more of shock - promise). But for you.. it's kinda hard ! Not.. that I don't wanna be your friend.. I mean after all.. I do see you all day, every day.

7) It's like a little kid in a big girl's body. [:

Okay.. I'm done with my shouts. I'm really sleepy. Gnight !

Infatuation vs. Love

I've gone through this topic before.. Discussed it with past eye-candies.. Thought about it numerous times.. But it's this week I've found out the difference between love and infatuation in my religion class. Infatuation (as defined in the book) includes sexual activity and attraction - also know as being "in love". Whereas love (as defined in the book) includes commitment, unconditional acceptance, deep respect, and trust. With infatuation as the dominant role in a relationship, exploitation (lack of respect and use of selfishness) happens. With friendship, and willingness to get to know a person.. love is possible.
And with these definitions in mind... I realize how this applies to my life. Now that I think about it.. Is my relationship with Chris an infatuation or a deep friendship that can and is currently blossoming into love? I was puzzled... Because I know we talk and hang.. but is there more to our love than just that kiss.. the passionate wanting (not like that..)? And this is when I've decided.. that our relationship has more than that. Just the fact that we met in Church, is a reason I should be happy. That the one thing.. one of the most important things we have in common is our faith in God. Does he only love me just because of those kisses? Those warm bear hugs? Those lovey-dovey shit words? Is that all? Or is each "I love you" the real deal? Is the promises of always being there.. of never cheating.. are those true? How will I know? But, this is the thing.. That despite those passionate kisses, those deep stares, the want I have inside me.. All I really want is a gentleman. One that doesn't have to have sex.. That treats a woman as superior as a man.. because who can actually prove that men are better than women? Chris is my babe. And maybe we've gone through stages of infatuation.. Doesn't every teen? But I've gotta remind myself every so often.. The reason for this relationship. The reason we're together. The reason we were made to be together at this very moment.

And that reason.. is love.

Oh.. and what a mofackin flirt.

gonna be independent.
gonna do what i wanna do...


... but just deep down inside
i really would like to feel wanted again.

Wise Words..

youjustgotberned: yaknow yaknow

LiNkInPrKjEfF: lol

LiNkInPrKjEfF: omg

LiNkInPrKjEfF: ure such a girl@

LiNkInPrKjEfF: !

LiNkInPrKjEfF: you should be thankful hes still here

LiNkInPrKjEfF: lmao!

youjustgotberned: lol i know huh..

youjustgotberned: but still i wanna at least feel wanted

youjustgotberned: geez

youjustgotberned: haha

LiNkInPrKjEfF: ok

LiNkInPrKjEfF: be quiet

LiNkInPrKjEfF: grow up!

youjustgotberned: you asked

LiNkInPrKjEfF: lol

LiNkInPrKjEfF: stop being a girl

LiNkInPrKjEfF: and be a woman

youjustgotberned: lol

youjustgotberned: wise words there

at first i was being sarcastic..
but.. after thinkin about it..

i think it's time i start being just a lil bit more like miss independent.

i don't needa always satisfy em;
i don't need anybody to impress;
cause i'm better than that.. baby. i'm better.

kawawa

i act happy, to hide the sadness that's overcome me.
i just wish maybe if i didn't make such a big deal about that.
we might still be together..
every second that goes by is the longest..
because usually.. i would've spent that second with him.

:'(

worst i've ever felt.
never felt so sad.
but maybe there will be a good outcome of this.
just hopefully.

if it wasn't for that flipping friday..
i wouldn't be like how i am right now.
i've never felt this sad. so pessimistic, so enthralled
by such the change that's happening.

and to be honest...
i really. hate it.
because it makes me feel this way.

i've tried lifting my head..
but i can't hide anymore. just the fact that he lied
about where he met her. it makes me skeptical.
God.. what is happening?

strong. is a tough word.

the negatives about relationships

what is complicated about the fact of relationships? i think these make the top 5 of complications that spark within relationships.

1) expectations - either one or the other, or even both.. expect a lot. and when these expectations aren't fulfilled, they ignite arguments and disagreements. some expect those who are their significant other to compare just like the person they've been with before. others expect the mere idea of sex. while others expect 24/7 romancticism.

2) growing up - especially college.. i think growing up will tell if a relationship can really endure all things or if it screws up. college, in the first place, usually affects a person on having more independence and being single without commitments. or maybe the contrary happens.. it's just all unpredictable, yaknow?

3) the past - ohhhh screw the past. especially with a detailed one, it's just something that will always be there. it's been dealt with, it's done with, but it's something that will always be part of your life and at times, it's what people dwell on. but, that's just the thing.. we've gotta admit our mistakes and move on. make every second count.. LIVE IT UP; because each second that ticks by is considered the past.

4) the stages of the whole "relationship" process - ugh, we all know that puppylove stage. calling/texting 24/7, staring games, the first kisses extra sweet... and that's what we (esp as girls) just want all the time, despite it being a 9-day relationship to a 2 year 7 month relationship. but, it just isn't like that. getting through the process, you discover one another's flaws and eventually you realize.. the person you are infatuated with has flaws, just like any other human on earth... but hopefully in most relationships, there's something within a person (not shallow) that attracts you. and that's how it endures.

5) just the fact that we're humans - we were made by God to discover him, his love, and to enjoy the life He has given us. He didn't put us here on earth for nothing. but i think, by experiencing struggles, hardships, complications.. we truly appreciate the gifts God has blessed us with. our loved ones, talents, internet, Olive Garden.. haha. that is why.. despite being a faithful Catholic, i believe that peace on earth is nearly an impossible strain. i believe this because if there was peace on earth, everything would be good.. ALL THE TIME. and so we would expect good all time.. and eventually we would take it for granted. as humans, we make mistakes, but we learn.. we can never be perfect.. and the idea of "peace on earth" is a perfected idea. humans make mistakes, so we shouldn't expect perfection. but that's the thing. we learn from each other; we grow old with each other; we are each other; the world is technically your family and it's your job to get to know every one you can.

so, with this made up. i've concluded that love is fragile. don't take it for granted or else it might get old, wither, and die. don't use it too much or else you'll take it for granted; just save it for the meaningful, special moments. don't play with it too much; or the cracks will finally come together and break. and most of all, don't not use it. love is a special gift, one of the best feelings you'll ever experience in the world. if love isn't used within one's lifetime.. then you're missing quite a big opportunity it's the cause of ALL emotions. it's the source of happiness, sadness... just everything. but to be honest, the end outcome to love is 99.9999% of the time happiness. and when you're in your final moments of life and you have loved a person, then in my opinion, you have the right to die a happy person.

amen.

** this has nothing to do with my mood. i felt kinda contemplative for a moment though, so i decided to write this (:

*** i'll post the postives about relationships just to make it seem like i'm not that cynical, yaknow yaknow? haha.

a morose ramble.

today started out to be okay, i was all jesus-upped at school and "vote for bernie", yaknow yaknow. but ugh, something just got over me again.. it irritates me that my emotions are running over me once again.. and it hasn't even been a week after the retreat. i wish i really still was in the mountains.. taking a break from just everything and just focusing on God. cause that's all that's really gonna matter in the end. but no, i've got this damned mind that pushes curiousty too far into things that i really.. don't need to know; don't want to know. and that is when i'm pushed with fear and doubt ONCE a f*ckinggain (that doesn't count as swearing ! lol) that i can't even trust myself because of my keen observation. my sensability is too knowing.. it's like i know too much and surprises come little to me. sure, it may seem like being observant can be a good thing.. but in this sense it's quite the contrary.

and you know what's funny? how during school i seemed to be coming over my minor sore throat. but as this feeling of apprehension rises within me, my sore throat seems to be developing and all i can do is sigh and just say...

God, if i could ask for some things right now it would be:
-patience because right now i've got this load on my shoulder, family already ruining my plans to be virtuous and patient, schoolwork and projects each day... that reality is striking me too soon
-understanding because my mind isn't the same as the other's mind. i need understanding to think things through another person's shoes and kinda just let You, God take over sometimes.

i wish i could escape reality.. just one moment longer.

Fall Retreat 2008

ohmygoooodness, fall retreat was the absolute best. it was absolutely amazing. my story is just like the others.. i kinda wanted to go, but i didn't know what to expect.. but ohmygosh, just reminiscing the memories and lessons i've learned.. it was so worth it. first of all, my saint was st. martha ! and i got theresa & ximena in my group (: whooo, i was so happy. we shared our cabin with st. scholastica and chrystle and janella were there! (: whooo, i was happy about that too. haha.

soo on friday we leave at about 6:30.. and they didn't have room on the bus so me, theresa, and someone else from our cabin named danielle went in a car ): we arrived at like 9. and we went to our cabins.. dangg, that hill is steep! we only had one shower too. haha. i was the only one in my cabin who didn't have a sleeping bag (dude.. i was like the lightest packer in the world. i was so surprised), so michelle lent me a blanket.

saturday was fun. we ate breakfast then had some journeys. chris did his talk, too. he did pretty good :) he is such a cute actor ;) in the evening, we did confession. this was like the start of the best parts of the retreat besides the singing & dancing & praising God. we had confession with fr. rolly.. after that i felt pretty pure. then we had four corners.. the corners were healing, faith, love, and peace. i went to love with yolanda. oh mann.. i just gotta describe that whole outlook right now:

okay, so she starts out holding my hands and asks me.. what does she need to pray for me? and so i think about it.. and the perfect answer comes up: for me to able to gain and maintain patience with everything: school, family, boyfriend, and friends. and it was just so weird because it was like.. she knew. she knew what i was going to say and.. she was just so inspirational, it made me get emotional. how school stresses me out because it's getting harder and a lot more work... family because sometimes my parents don't understand all the work i have with all my commitments.. boyfriend because we argue at times and sometimes i just get patient and emotions and tears overcome me.. friends because it seems that these days i don't have time for them. and so i learned from her to take it easy.. she even suggested taking a break from chris.. but, i don't know.. chris is like my motivation. i don't think i'd want to lose someone like that. i've just gotta put that load off my shoulders.. that burden i put upon myself and give it up to God because HE IS GOOD. because God has given me this retreat to find HIM and i'm glad to say that i did get a glimpse of him.

today (sunday) was inspiring too. it started out with breakfast too. then we went to adoration and it started out with just kneeling, singing some praise songs.. but then it started to get intense. this guy named gustavo is just.. a pro at making you just give yourself up to God. while adoring and praising, the music would be going.. the beat seeming to match those in my heart.. and gustavo would just yell and shout how we need to let it go; cry if you want to; give it all up to God because he will take care of you; because God loves you and he wants the best for you.. it was just so overcoming that i even started crying over adoring the Eucharist! today i really.. just felt Jesus. how yesterday (saturday) my heart was cleansed, but today it was just the cherry on top. i feel pure, i feel like I am God's child.

this whole weekend was a life-changing experience. not only because my boyfriend was part of it, but because i truly opened my heart and mind to what God can do. and i've experienced what he can do. i've never been this emotional about my faith before, but now i know that God is just... awesome. my God is an awesome. with wisdom, power, and love.. my God is an awesome God.

God, thank you for the retreat i just experienced.
it was truly... the best.

this week

this week is going by the slowest, but all of a sudden... i'm thanking God that it's going by this slow. ugh, this week is just plain weird. teachers piling up tests on thursday and friday.. bleh.

last saturday, we (alec h, me, and des) took mary out to dinner at cpk. haha. ohhh, funny. the waiter pretty much hated us, and when alec asked for a birthday sundae she gave a burnt out candle. yeahh, that was pretty low! lol. but we saw madagascar 2 which was okay. it was nice seeing des & alec again. they're the same as i left them in eighth grade. those two are freakin funny. (: haha.

sunday.. was the walk for the hungry at st. marthas. that was pretty fun. badolimmacaesho! (((((:

monday was mary's birthday.. i think her birthday decorated locker should be nominated as best decorated ever. i mean dude we STUFFED balloons in her locker, how creative are we?! and the outside of her was fckinnn bomb.

tuesday & today were same ol same ol.

tomorrow is chris's and me's (grammar?) 7th monthliversary. crazy crazy stuff. i pretty much love him, despite the roller coaster rides we've been through. it's kind of crazy.. that kind of love i have for him. i can't really describe it. i find him to be like a best friend.. i can trust him with anything. i think it's indescribable because i haven't found someone like that yet. i haven't found someone that i can share a laugh with anyday, yet still share a kiss or express the common of my day. or argue intently, but know that in the end.. everything will be okay. i think it's that kind of love i have for him. a love that he is always there for me. that with him with me, i feel my best.

friday, saturday, and sunday of this week is the retreat. i was kinda excited in the beginning, now i'm kinda iffy/nervous to go for some odd reason. i don't know if it's the fact that chris is facilitating, but ever since he told me about his speech having something to do that i "shouldn't take seriously" and that it depends on "how i take it"... it kinda gets me nervous. don't get me wrong, i'm looking forward to his speech, and just the whole retreat in general.. it's just that i don't know where my emotions will take me on this retreat.. and i don't know how i will react to anything being that this is my first confirmation retreat.. i just don't want my emotions to ruin it for me.

and so this is the end of the week. lates !

FATED, much?

Okay, so C & I went through a misunderstanding the other day.. And today, was parent teacher conferences (which by the way, my parents said I did well on) and so I asked if I could stay at his house and they could just pick me up when they're done. My mom agreed, and when after I finished my algebra homework.. We went to Shadow Oak Park and went to their new part of the park, it's pretty nice.. but there were no lights, so I couldn't really see how it really looked like. But, it looked nice in the dark! :) I swear I saw Venus or Mercury or some other planet, but C disagreed with me and said it was a blimp.. HAHA. That was funny. And then I turned around and we were talking.. and suddenly he goes "SHOOTING STAR, I'm not lying!" and I turn around and I see my first shooting star. And it just kinda struck me for a second... I've always wanted to see a shooting star.. but the time that shooting star came: My mind was in chaos from high school to boyfriend. And.. I guess it was somehow a sign from God that everything is okay, just keep going and keep your head up. And that is the end of my inspiration. (:

Still can't believe I saw my first shooting star EVER ! (:
And.. I didn't get to make a wish while I was looking at it - I was too awestruck. But, I made one after, does that still count?

Obama '08, babby ! I think he'll be good for the country. (:

So, freshman class elections are coming up on the 18th and.. I was really confident when I first applied to be a candidate for Vice President, but now I'm sort of second-guessing myself. I know I have a chance to win the election, but just the fact of losing kinda flashes in my mind. Losing.. just ain't my thing. Not that I can't accept it, but I hate the after-feeling of it. But, anyways.. why am I thinking about that when I have a chance? I know a lot of people, JAB (Jamie for Pres, Ariana for Secretary, Bernie for VP! Hahaha.. Oh Victoria), and have lots of good friendships with people. I hope people will like my speech... It's based on a song. Heehee :) But, yeah. I hope people decide to pick me as their vice president (:

Ah, so an update on high school.

Okay, so things are going well. (: I'm pretty sure I'm acing all my classes.. I'm nearly on the borderline of an A in history though... I don't even get what we're studying -_- Honors Alg is getting harder for me, but I've gotta give myself credit cause even if this is the first time I've learned this shit, I think I've got it. Damn, St. Chris didn't prepare you for anything! I flippin love the novel we're reading in English right now - A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. So many good quotes, and like.. I've actually laughed out loud at some parts in that book. Spanish&Religion.. easy as who knows whatt.. but my favorite.. I love my C Block PE Class ! Everyone in the class is basically the bomb. We're like.. a family, it's not even funny.

Oh, and I didn't know shit for the election rally. But! I did get a lot of compliments somehow.

Spilling Your Heart Out

So, today was a generally good day. The start of the day started kinda off, I planned to go to Knotts Scary Farm with Chris, but the plan failed because of the damn rain. So, we ended up watching HSM3, which was pretty good. When I got home from the long day, we ended up having one of those talks that I love... just ones that spill your guts out and you talk for HOURS. This one lasted 1:42 minutes. Haha.

We talked about the past. I think it was too much for me too handle again. Because everytime I hear this story, how he wasn't given "a second chance", it makes me feel as if he really still does want that chance and still dwells on it. I feel bad, but I know this is not true. And so, I take it off my mind.. And just promised myself not to talk about this topic anymore because assumptions run through my head. Some assumptions hurt really badly, if they're taken too far.

We talked about guys&love. And how we don't understand how guys can get over someone within the course of 3 days. How guys can treat girls like complete crap.. when they really deserve an "I love you" or "You're beautiful" Because really, that's all I honestly need to hear. Maybe after a kiss, just saying I'm beautiful.. That I'm deeply in love with you.. It just makes my heart filled with a warm feeling that strengthens me.
Guys need to GET THIS SHIT IN THEIR HEAD: Your role in a girl's life is to keep her going, to always be there, to give her affection, and most importantly, give her the feeling of love. Every girl deserves a chance. A chance that is not prejudgmental and more deeper than the beauty of the skin. Treat a girl right, because no girl deserves any abusive or overpowering boyfriend. We all just want to be treated like queens. We hate it when you talk about other girls; but we love it when you tell us that we're the only ones that matter in the world. We just wanna be your everything. We just wanna be loved.

We talked about friends. This was an important topic for me. I have never shared this with anyone. Maybe some of it was shame, maybe some of it was confusement. Don't get me wrong, I have a ton of friends. I've got their back, and hopefully they've got mine. But honestly.. I haven't really found that one best friend. Alec is closest to that, but I never really get to see him. I haven't found that person besides my person that will always be there just to chill, have fun with, hang out, share my darkest secrets. And that made me nostalgic and melancholy.. How things were so good with her, but when I want to tell her how I feel, it just never seemed right.
But within this topic, I also discovered one of my best friends... my boyfriend. I trust him.. completely. No doubts, no fears. And, this is this truth. There is no exaggeration to trusting him completely.. Because honestly, I've never done that before. Because with my boyfriend.. I can truly be who I am. Sometimes I feel like I want to be treated more like a princess, but it's this unperfect relationship that makes us perfect. How we learn and go through things together and pull through together and both put in effor to make this work.

Oh what a day..

Okay, now we're just picking unnecessary fights.

Halloween was a complete dud. There were no trick-or-treaters and I didn't have time to find a costume. :( Chris & I passed out candy and just hung out around the house.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm putting too much into this relationship then I need to. It's just times like this where he feels "tired and uninspired" and I just feel bad. When really.. I don't know why I should feel bad. I just do. It sickens me how I'm so hard about myself.. How I hate that I am a perfectionist at heart, when really I have done no mistake within itself. I'm beginning to get afraid that I'm overdoing it.. That I'm trying too hard to be hot or sexy or whatever shit that I just need to stop, and be natural. Get the clump of makeup off your face. Save the sleeziness for next year's halloween costume. It's time to get real. Time to go back in the past and relive those good days.

It's time.

Value of Words

It is tonight where I've realized the true importance of words and their affect on you. How when a guy calls you "sexy", it's not that same as "pretty". How when a guy tells you how they wanna f*ck you, it's not the same as being the most beautiful girl they've ever laid their eyes on.

... What are meaningful words I love?

Pretty - I like being called this.. for the reason that I know I'm charming and cute. Not "hey, I'm a slut let's go bang with my mini on" pretty.. but genuinely, naturally pretty.

Cute - This word goes with charm and innocence, like that girl good that makes a boy turn around and say... "Dang."

Stunning&Gorgeous - These words just make a girl feel good. No matter who says it. Be it boy or girl, grandma or grandpa. When these words are said, you get that feeling in your heart where you are beautiful.


And my favorite...

Beautiful - A word that should not be used for granted because it means all of the words I listed before. For it means not only the beauty of a girl's physical appearance, but most importantly.. the true beauty of inner self. To be honest, anyone who says I'm beautiful can easily make my day, my week. It gives me a major boost of confidence.. To know that I'm gorgeous, stunning, cute, and pretty.

It's these words that make a girl feel like she's on top of the world.

I've gotta stay strong.

Gotta wave my hands in the air and touch the sky, and never let myself get down just cause I'm impatient. Cause I've got everything I want in my life right now, everything I need.. I won't allow doubt, fear... "little deaths" as they call it in religion get to me. Because overcoming it and conquering it will make me a stronger person.

Today, my mom & I were talking about life as always.. Of course, she goes too far many times, and as many times I ask her to stop so my temper won't rise, she lectures me anyways. Yesterday, when she saw me crying, she cried too. And it just made me think:

My mother is amazing.

She is a strong woman, after seeing me get hurt so many times.. she's still here. To be my mother.. to always be there for me when I'm hurt and I just need someone to hug. I admit that I am going through a teen angst stage and am often having fights with my mom. I wish I could tell her a way how I love her without getting emotional. Yeah, I seem to be more emotional these days. Don't know why. Oh well, her birthday is this friday.. meaning homecoming game.. meaning I have to figure out something!

Acceptance

Yesterday towards the end of the day, I've felt the saddest I've been in the longest time. Chris and I had an argument.. again, about stupid things. But this time.. I'm sick of this guilt I feel every week. Sick of the constant flow of tears coming out from my eyes every week because a boy pushing my self-control. I hate how I feel like I'm the cause of every problem within us. I hate feeling like I'm just doing too much. And maybe that's what I'm doing. Maybe I'm so used to everyone needing my help... needing my opinions and point of view that it's time I just let it go in God's hands.

Maybe I'm like your mother who all she does is seem to scold you. Maybe I'm just another cause of stress in your life when I honestly don't mean to be. Maybe I need to cool it down a little, settle my temper, and just forget everything. Maybe I just try... too hard to a point where it's not like that with life anymore - let everyone make their decisions, and all I need to do is support.

The thing with the last statement is that I'm scared. Scared of all the decisions people make because I know that sometimes the actions people make are stupid, and I just want to put it in their heads that some other way can be better.

But I've got to learn.. These words.

The acceptance of mistakes.
Because as much as I live a perfect life, I'm gonna make some... and learn from them. And other people will too. Just live... and let God do the rest.

I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

Unaware

Wow, I haven't blogged in a while. But now, I have something to talk about.

I never really realized something too good to be true can actually... be true, until now. It was yesterday where I've experienced an eye-opening event. I've gotten into my first jealousy rage, and as much as I try to avoid the doubts; avoid the hate.. This week it's just been flashing back at me. It's like my conscience is telling ME that I'm not pretty... not able to handle anything that has been thrown at me. Sometimes, I feel so frustrated when my mom tells me that I have to get As in this, act like this towards my boyfriend, who to make friends with... All of that just rises my temper and I hate it. This week, I felt the "most down" I've been in a long time because I knew it was coming again. That fucking feeling in your gut.

Doubt.

Because it was those days where if anyone messed with me... I went ballistic because I plainly wasn't in the mood. Honest to goodness, my temper is horrible. And so yesterday, I got in a fight on how I was just sick of girls. Sick of the drama they cause. Sick of everything.
Yeah, I was pretty moody.
But really, I just want peace. I think it gets to me when people flirt with my boyfriend or have friends that call him cute. But I think this time it really got to me. But in the end, all is resolved. Not necessarily a happy ending, but one that isn't full of hatred... at least I hope.

I've found someone that loves me. Through the thick and thin.
Don't get me wrong.. It's still hard to believe.

Because each day.. He amazes me once again.
And makes me smile.. Once again.

sometimes..

i wish technology didn't have such an impact on our lives...

maybe we'd finally realize how much we have to be thankful for.

today was a happy 6 months :)

the end.

My Dad.

My dad is the most amazing guy in the world. It wasn't until today that I've noticed the close relationship me & him. That today.. when "Daughters" by John Mayer and this other song about growing up and not being daddy's little girl anymore when turning "16"... I literally started to tear up. I can't believe I'm in high school already, and I'm about to go to college in less than 5 years. My dad means so much to me. I remember from day one.. I could, and still can talk to my dad about anything because he is truly the most understanding person I have ever known. I remember our weekend trips to Nen-Nen's house, our weekend trips to Stater Bros. that we still do, how he used to dress me in the morning before I went to school when I was in Kinder & 1st grade.. and finally he said in 2nd grade I was big enough to change on my own. I remember in pre-school I would never want to leave his side in the mornings. And after all these years.. K-9th grade.. he still checks my math homework. (: My dad always makes the impossible, possible in some way. Whenever he is sick or not feeling well, we don't even notice. My dad is the NICEST person in the world. Nicest and the most understanding. He sees the good in everyone, and it gets on my nerves sometimes.. because I don't get how someone can be so patient. He treats my mom like the queen of the world.. and man, I don't know how any guy can match up to my dad. He is simply amazing.. and there is nothing in this world that will keep me from being a daddy's girl. He is my hero, my advisor, the person I look up to. 

I love my dad.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

well today was a one hella chill day.

1. woke up at 7 am to get ready for piano so early ! lol.

2. went to piano

3. ate breakfast at chick-fil-a with chris & dad

4. homework with chris.. well, kinda ;) he was such a distraction !

5. american apparel with chris - we got matching green zipper vests. they're really cute :)

6. brought chris home, then mass.

7. dinner at max's with parents & chris

8. nick and norah's infinite playlist with chris - that was the cutest thing i've seen in a while. the storyline was SOOO true and cute, you couldn't help but going "awww." definitely recommended! :) i'm trying to find quotes from the movie online, but no one has any. aww.

until tomorrow. which is studying studying and studying. lame... :)

october fober nober

ugh, i fucking hate algebra right now. i really need to concentrate on it. i get all of it, but i get so lazy sometimes.. and i really need to stop! lol. well, a lot has been happening.. and i'm looking forward to OCTOBERR ! damn, is 2008 almost over? haha. well here's the overview of october:

1. buttload of piano-playing at masses

2. chilling out on the weekends with chris / friends

3. damien games w/ the lucy girls :)

4. OCTOBER 13th <33333>

5. maybe the CHOC walk at disneyland

5. homecoming at most likely damien. or maybe amat.

6. knotts scary farm? hahahah.. i don't think so chris ;) just kidding. maybe i'll go.

7. halloween !

what haven't i been doing lately? music. gotta get a move on thatt...

i got the new jack's mannequin cd.. haven't really listened to it yet.. but i can't wait ! i hope i love it.

lates.

a long time since

it's been a while since i've written in my blog. it's because a lot has happened, and although i've been meaning to type in this every once in a while, i always stop and say that i need to recollect my thoughts and then i can type.

but this time, i need to explain all that has happened on the 15 or so days i haven't written in this.

so, high school is being a pain in the ass sometimes and sometimes it's really fun. most of time.. it's just a blast going to school seeing friends, going to my fav class, drinking frapps in world history & pe, everything. but sometimes, the pressure really gets to me and i get so nervous and start freaking out. i'm getting a b in algebra right now.. i hope i do well in tomorrow's test. i have confidence that i will because i studied my hardest today. english honors stresses the hell out of me sometimes because he's so like indecisive in all his due dates and shit.. it's like.. KEEP IT STRAIGHT. lol. pe is fun.. i love everyone in that class. religion is one of my favorites.. world history is one of my favorites too.. and spanish is so easy but that class goes by sooo slow.

it's been hard to keep in touch with old friends. i really wish i put more of an effort into doing it. but maybe it's because.. i'm just busy or too preoccupied. i suck at multitasking. and so, if any of you are reading this.. i'm sorry sometimes i don't reply to texts, phone calls, or IMs. it's not that i forgot about you guys.. or am distant.. it's just that i cannot concentrate. my love to all of you.. and i'll try harder more.

recently.. i've been thinking and trying to put pieces together. how some girls in this world really do make the statement "girls are so complicated" true. screw them. i don't understand why girls make themselves look like they're all that when they're not. i mean seriously.. boys are complicated, sometimes they complicate our lives, but do girls not think that they have feelings too? if you fall for the right guy not some selfish jerk.. guys are more emotional sometimes. the girl that they love.. can have much more of an effect on them than you girls will ever know it. 

and lastly... my boyfriend.

fiesta weekend was amazing for us. especially for the mirror maze thing. <3 

yet last week we went through some discovery of each other. how things are moving so quickly and it's already our sixth months coming up on october 13th. how we've been through SO much but we still have forever to go. it's so hard to admit that i'm in love at this young of an age.. because people believe that im too YOUNG. that i'm a fool. i admit it.. maybe i am naive at the depths of love and everything involved with the term "love", but who cares... i can learn. and i am. because when i talk to chris about the deepest things.. that is when our love shows the most. where it shows that we actually have not just love with each other, but a true friendship. someone who will always be there for me.. who i can tell literally everything to. my boyfriend is amazing.. he is my light in the darkness. i love him for who he is. who he has shaped me to be. i will always be his shorty.. and hopefully his inspiration and motivation.

life is amazing.

oh and chris.....

"hi ;)"

5 MONTHS<3

so, i haven't blogged in the longest time because

1) i'm really tired early these days.

2) i just have too much in my mind that i want to put down.

but now i have time to do this and i will jot down every detail i call recall.

my 5 months with chris was saturday the 13th. it was nearly the most perfect day i've had. it started out with chris calling me at 9 am.. saying he is 30 seconds away from my house. and i'm like.. WHAT?! so i put on my bra, brush my teeth, and put on my glasses. when i open the door, he's out there with a poster saying "Happy 5 Months" with little post-its on it and a tiny picnic basket! it was the cutest thing ever. (: we were supposed to go to the park.. but my dad wouldn't have let me so we went inside and ate an indoor picnic. it was pandesal w/ condense milk (yummy!) and pandeube. oh, and can't forget the tang! haha. 

then at 12 we went to puente hills mall where we saw 3/4 of pineapple express. we saw geoff & laura (his gf) there. haha. chris also bought me a pair a bright blue vans.. i kept telling him he didn't have to.. but he kept insisting so i picked the bright blue vans so i would think of him everytime i wear it :)

then we went to mass.

then we went to eat at the hub cafe in walnut = yummy food, jenga, pusoy dos, and checkers. haha. 

then i went back to his house. it was a long day for the both of us, but it was worth it.. so we were just lying on his bed and then we started some deep talking. 

very deep talking. and i just want to say... that i'm just the luckiest girl in the world. but this time i'm not just saying it. i mean it. 

i always thought chris never worried about guys liking me because i was younger and i thought older guys would be like "psh, no one is competition to me cause im older". but surprisingly, he is. for some odd reason, it's that time of the season where a fucking buttload of guys tell me they like me. and i'm like... uh. sorry. happily taken. don't want you to waste your time. it means a lot that he's concerned.

Thursday. was. an. eye-opening. day.

for reasons that i won't trust it in public.

and this is my conclusion after my five months:

i have several major decisions in my life. job, school, love. love having the most priority. and right now.. i am so deeply in love. so deeply in love that i just want to jump up and throw confetti. i've found someone right. someone who's down for what's good, what's right. i love him for that. so maybe sometimes we get in arguments.. but you know what i've noticed and even MY MOM?

mom: i've noticed that whenever you and chris disagree.. you always appear to be a little bit more stronger than before.

that meant a lot to me... 

and it's true. we have the most open relationship ever. i love his kisses on the cheek and forehead.. when his arms are around mine. i love his hair and the way he always smells. i love his ticklish spots. those only count for physical attractions. what attracts me most is his heart. his true, genuine heart. and i love him..

i love you Chris.

fer shure.

fer shure.

RANDOM.

hey guys. i haven't blogged in a while basically because there hasn't been really anything entirely significant with my life right now. everything is going well.. school, boyfriend, friends, extra activities. well i feel like talking about something.. something deep. but yeah.. a lot of thoughts have been passing through my mind.

1) 5 months already this saturday... nearing our 6 month anniversary which i hope will be special :) i'm really happy. i can't explain the happiness i feel when i'm with him.. around him.. talking to him. i say this with no doubts.. with no worries. a love this good leaves me with a runny nose and a lump in my throat because it affects me THAT much. whenever i say "make a wish".. i honestly don't because nearly all my wishes have been granted. my necessities.. granted. my wants.. most of them are granted. rather, each "wish" is a "thank you". a thank you for the good life i have RIGHT now, RIGHT here.

2) i've seen the first BITCH. the first ever real bully i've ever encountered. she better FUCK off of my friends.. and if she comes to me.. oh then bitcchhh, bring IT!

3) i've got school DOWN, but fucking algebra.. i need that A! haha.

4) i can't wait for the spirit rally. i'm so pumped because i LOVE st. lucys. it really is a great school. i have so many friends there. the classes give me a challenge. love it love it love it.

and now.. i'm starting to get out of it
sleep mode

peace love uke

dear chris,
when you read this. you'll be going back to school. you're an upperclassman now. and now.. this is a new phase for us where new challenges are yet to come and new sensations.
but know that this summer was one of the best for me because of you. forget those hell weeks & bad days, i'm talking about those days in summer where i just didn't want it to end. this includes my first concert with you, talks on the phone till 2 in the morning, your birthday, our fourth monthliversary. this is why I LOVED summer 2008. because of you.
and talking about monthliversary... can you believe it's been 4 months? and we're less than two weeks away from our fifth. talk about amazing. babe, i did not expect this. you know that. i thought this relationship would be something where a guy would like me for two weeks and then dump me because they were "bored". but with you, it's not like that. in you, i find someone who's not just a boyfriend.. but my best friend. who i can truly tell me honest feelings to.. who won't get mad at me for my blonde moments.. and who will show me the world as their companion.
love is patient. love is kind. but sometimes.. i know that those adjectives lack. sometimes we aren't patient.. sometimes we aren't kind. but that is okay. because everything we do is what makes us so perfect.

i'm the music. you're the lyrics.
i'm the moon. you're the sun.

in my opinion, you complete my heart. you have found that missing piece of the puzzle in my heart. my love for you may seem to trigger or be weak.. but my love will never fail. i always find time for you because LOVE is at the top of my priorities.

you are my number one. =)

TRYING.

i feel so. frustrated right now.

I LOVE YOU.

why is it that i am always blamed for things that i am trying to work on? i'm trying my best. but you just don't realize it. i ALWAYS find time for you. like yesterday how i found time for you after the quince. i know all i do is go to your house because I DONT KNOW if you're up for the things i want to do. and i never want to go out because i know you're TIRED from debut practice so i want to give you a break and calm you down instead of work you up and you end up not having fun. and don't even say you always go to my house. you've only been to my house twice recently compared to all the times i go over to your house. i know it's hard to bike up my hill, but dont think im not GRATEFUL for this. we can go somewhere, it's not like i object. and i went to this sleepover to have a girls night out... because this is an ANNUAL thing we do. i rarely have my saturday evenings busy and YOU KNOW THAT. i'm tired, babe. why can't you see that i am doing all i can? i'm not even making you WAIT. i saw you yesterday. i always find time for you because i know i can. my best is never enough.

babe, i don't need to see you everyday. although i honestly WANT to. but you need time to grow. and i do too. because after a while since ive seen you, i miss you even more. my love for you is so deep babe that i'm so far out in the ocean. i don't care about SEX or HOW YOU LOOK. absolutely nothing like that. i care about YOU and how since im your girlfriend i can give you all the love you possibly deserve. I TRY.

i do.
but somehow.
you just don't see it.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ALONE IN A CROWDED ROOM?

so, i haven't blogged in the longest time. and i do have a lot of thoughts on my mind...
school has gotten me so busy this past week. i'm stuck with 2 hours of homework. i really want to do well. after i bombed that algebra pop quiz, i'm determined to focus and concentrate on school as much as i can... but how will i know when too much is too much? but.. i don't think i'm overdoing it. i'm trying to do all i can: train for basketball, interest in clubs, make new friends, give my boyfriend the love he deserves..

this week.. i'm really into a contemplative mood. i just read alllll my old xanga entries about him. ohhh man. what to say... my past with him goes all the way back to the last saturday of february of this year. he is like this person on a treadmill in my mind, and he doesn't seem to stop. i wish i could see my babe everyday... i wouldnt grow tired of him, i could promise you that. i want to show him the love he deserves, but i have to maintain composure and my thoughts have to align.
he's starting school and since he's a junior, he'll probably be in more activities. visions club, bball maybe, choir... i don't know what else. all of us wish that we had a camera on our loved one just so we could know what they're doing.. i mean cmon. admit it, even i wish i had that on chris. but i have trust in him.. and that's basically all i can do. i pray each day that he doesn't abandon that trust. i don't want him to drift and be the person he was when i met him.. because he's developed into much more.. more handsome, more chivalrous, more sweet, wiser, and more understanding.
as of right now, i try not to take anything for granted. not just with my boyfriend but with school, friends, and church. i embrace all aspects of my life, but if only i developed something in my mind that would just put away those doubts... i'd embrace my life to the fullest.
my mind is filled with the craziest things.. some things i cannot help thinking because of just.. logical thinking. some doubts, some fears, some excitement, some curiosity. though i know my mind will never fully be cleared of those doubts and fears, i try my best to conquer them and ignore them.

all i've got to do is hope, think, and pray.

SCARED.

so chris is at his friend's debut practice. ughh.. the thought of another girl holding his hand. dancing with him. getting lifted by him. -_- but i'm okay with that. at first when i heard about it in the philippines, i was really envious, i had to admit. but now i'm okay with it. BUT HAY GIRLS DON'T GO TOO FAR WITH MY MAN! ;)

another school year. but yet this time.. i don't know what will happen. morrison had us do an assignment to buy a card and write a letter to ourselves that we would open at the end of freshman year. this really got me thinking...
by the end of freshmen year will i be a class officer?
will i still enjoy school the way i enjoy it right now?
will i still have the same close friends i've made so far or will i hang with new ones?
will i still be in love?
will i still look the same?

i'm really scared for the future. you don't even know, readers. i love the state i'm in right now. but man. looking what happened to other people and their bad experiences.. with school, turnarounds in attitudes, love...
i'm just nervous. i'm fine on the outside, but inside my heart is shaking. because i want everything to work out..
i want everything to go the way it should.

but there is no guarantee to that.

AS OF NOW.

HIGH SCHOOL.
woah woah woah. i'm in high school. well tomorrow is our official full day. and i've got to say i enjoy going there for school, despite there being no boys. it's a lot of work -_-; more than i expected.. and i've got to lug from class to class. sucks cause my first class is up in 6th level but then i have to lug alll my books down the hill to the 2nd level. damn lucys.. why do they build their school on a hill? i've met new people and i'm just... really pumped. HAHA. i know.. i'm such a moron.. but i really do actually look forward going to school. but that's just me.. bernadette lim. i try looking for the best in everything.. sometimes that fails and i act like such a pessimist, but man. why do i like high school so much? because it's a challenge for me. junior wasn't a challenge. i could breeze by that school because everyone knows me (no conceited!) and the subjects are easy to ace. but with high school it's different.. i've got to work. and that's what i'm excited about. that i finally have something i can strive for and feel a great sense of accomplishment because I'VE worked my ass off for something and it's FINALLY paid off.

but, of course, going to school has it's downs for me. not being able to see my boyfriend during the week. :( but maybe my mom will allow me&chris to do homework together.. hopefully.

i already have a test next week in adv alg 1 honors. crazy.
and we did an essay for eng 1 honors on the first day... but i love bencomo. he's funny.
oh, and senora. she's so cute. love her.

my teachers are pretty rad..
.. even the oldies ;)

THE END & BEGINNING.

the last blog of my summer... and i write this with deep sadness. a sadness that you cannot see when you see me, but a sadness that lies deep within my heart that makes me wonder if i really did live up summer '08. i don't want to talk about the philippines anymore... so we'll fast-forward to when i came back.
first to say... i matured a lot over the summer. matured as another ordinary teenager, but with a mind of my own. i've gotten the freedom i've longed for.. and i'm definitely grateful for my boyfriend for that. he's the reason why i get most of this freedom. when i came back from the PI, i encountered the worst of my summer days... constant thinking, late nights just lying on my bed listening to acoustic love songs. some were stupid; some were worth fighting for; but they were all worth it because i've learned in just those days what a bitch i can be. how i'm such a perfectionist, and as good as being a perfectionist sounds... it has a lot of downs.
but after those worst summer days, came the brightest of my summer. our love was tested through many trials and trembulations... but we got through it! :] i was relieved so much.. and so chris's birthday was soon. i wanted to make it special. it was really hard.. now i don't know what to get him next year! HAHA. but man.. everything was nearly perfect that day. it was my first FULL day with him.
i really didn't get to spend as much time with my friends as i liked. and.. i truly am sorry for those friends that are reading this. i will make it up to you all somehow. i don't want to lose you guys because i have so many important people in my life, that i don't want to lose a single one of you guys.

and all of you ask this when we talk on AIM
"so.. how's the love life?"

how is my love life? sometimes i say okay. sometimes i say good. right now... i'd have to say my love life is.. true. i am not infatuated anymore. i've found a love that is what i look forward to every morning and every night. and he should know that he will always be on my mind somehow. this summer we've celebrated our 4 months... and im just.. shocked, amazed, flabbergasted as i love to say. if you knew us during our first stares and where we are today you would say that we have changed.. and that's because we have changed each other. our love is getting stronger, our emotions deeper, our morals the same, but our happiness is growing everyday.

summer '08. what to say about you. this is the summer i've matured more. maybe it's because i'm going into high school. maybe it's because i've got a wonderful boyfriend here for me. maybe it's because i've discovered the world a little bit more. or maybe it's just because i'm slowly getting into the real world. this truly is my favorite season. a time to discover more about yourself, the world, your loved ones. i have to admit i've taken moments for granted... but i've taken advantage of many memories i will remember.

today almost ended with a sour note. thank God it didn't. maybe i overreact.. or maybe it's just because i'm scared and anxious of high school. i mean.. i am. but deep down i do have some excitement on what it will give me. i miss chris. i wish i spent my last day of summer with him because he is the reason for all my happiness this summer. he is the reason i have LIVED UP '08. no matter what we've been through.. he will always be the only guy i love. and i really mean that. i can be with him.. doing absolutely NOTHING and i'd still treasure every moment. he's why i look forward to waking up every morning. he is and will always be.. the soundtrack of my summer.

I LOVE YOU SUMMER '08.

YESTERDAY.

yesterday was OUR four monthliversary. we didn't really do anything. he biked over to my house and we just chilled. haha. but wow.. i still cannot believe it's been 4 months since we've been together. i've matured and so has he. he's made me more open, more driven, more strong. hopefully i've done some good in his life as well. my summer is ending quickly.. and i have to say that i think i've made the most of it. i've traveled to new places, met new people, strengthened friendships, and found out the hard part about love; but in the end, my summer has been one to remember. it has truly been a great experience. i'll make a final summer blog on sunday, the day before i start school. it'll be a long one.. but it'll sum up everything i have felt, saw, and done this whole summer.

CHRIS'S BIRTHDAY

definitely a day filled with fun stuff. i didn't know what to get chris for his birthday, so i thought really hard and hopefully i've made this 16th birthday pretty good for him. i went to his house 2 hours before everyone was there to spend time with him. i gave him part one of three gifts. it was a shirt that he couldn't find in stores or online. HAHA! well, you can find it online if you really really look.. but i didn't buy it at a store. it was one of those mall carts. very rare ;). here's the shirt:



me, chris, sean, grayson, and momo went to speedzone. it was my first time! haha. it was really fun, and i even made the top5 racers board once! =) grayson & momo "left" cause they didn't feel well for a while.. but really they were picking up part two of three of my gifts. hahah. after speedzone, we went to eat at chilis with chris's parents and sister. they have yummy cajun chicken pasta. haha.

so we went back to his house.. and all of us surprised chris with a cookie cake! haha. that's what momo & gray were picking up while we were at speedzone. no one really ate it.. it looked really pretty. haha. but that was part 2.
and then all of us just chilled at his house.. and i just came back. haha.

and part three you ask? it was a video to chris. not on youtube, but i put it on his ipod. it's got some meaning.. and i hope he enjoys this one as well.

hope we've made your birthday special, babe!
i love you.

TIRED.

i played for a spanish mass today. that was odd.
and i went to lifeteen.
chris came back! =)))))

im tired.
maybe art museum with grayson&kristine and chris tomorrow

U.S. PRIDE

the olympics.. so many talented athletes. and i think events like this make me realize how glad i am to be a us citizen. no matter how many economy problems our country has; how much controversy the world makes about our country ... the united states will always be the best country in the world. we have all our freedom. all we have to do is work for what we want. things can't just be granted to us. my visit the philippines definitely made me realize how lucky i am. over there.. it's chaos. nearly everything is dirty, unorganized, or in chaos. but you know what? the people there in the philippines still are happy people.. even with the little they have. and look at us. with our fancy houses and cars, our technology.. we just complain. why take so much for granted? at the philippines.. i couldn't even take a HOT shower. it was so complicated. this summer was definitely eye-opening.. full of adventure. sucks that it's ending soon. i really wish it was a little longer.

FRESH.

chris is off on his camping trip today. at first i thought it was in the wilderness, but he told me he's in a beach in santa barbara. he's called me quite a bit today... and it just shows you what nature can truly do to you. just being away from the fast high-paced life for a little bit is really eye-opening. we discussed a little about how he wishes we didnt have so many ups & downs...

... but i differ. but don't get me wrong. i hate arguing with chris. it's just that without those arguments.. we wouldn't have the love we have today. we wouldn't realize how hard we both work for this love to work out in the end. we wouldn't have that feeling of "luckiness" like we do right now. there's something about this love with chris that turns me upside down and makes my heart just.. soar. things aren't like how they used to be before. we used to literally text each other 24/7. now, we text everyday, but nothing compared to last time. i think it's because we know that we will always be there for each other. there have been those doubts. there have been those second thoughts, those qualms in our mind that seem to shake both of us. but now those are gone because we have found faith; we have found trust in one another.

and this summer was full of those ups-and-downs chris and i have never even knew would exist. my philippines vacation was one of the most difficult times i've had so far in this relationship. i would wonder for two weeks about him. about girls around him. about our love. will this survive? and we scratched a little, and we tossed a little but in the end we got it good. and still to this day we might have problems but he should know that without him i cannot live another day. he is the main reason for my happiness; my joy; my jubilant attitude. the past has always been something that i've dwelt on too much. he has opened my eyes; made me see that today is what matters. that the love that we both have for each other is honestly one of the most beautiful things i have today in this world. love doesn't just "work". you have to work at love. you've got to experiment, add a little bit of this, a little bit of that, mix it together.. until the perfect solution is finally found. and that's what love has done for me. it has experimented and changed me, and i know it still will. but just to know that i am in love...

it's an indescribable feeling.